I went in to Alexia's school today. Apparently they have a new principal. So all the conversations that I had with last year's principal mean nothing now. Nobody in the office new anything about the test results, but I met with the new principal and she said she'd call the district office and ask them. So again, I have to wait. I don't know if she's going into K or 1st, so I don't know when she starts. 1st-6th start on the 7th, K starts on the 10th. K also has alternating days, so if she is in K, I don't even know if she'll go MWF or TTF. ARGH!!! Don't even get me started on school supplies! What kind of school needs each kid to bring 24 glue sticks?!?!
I think I need to see a therapist or something. I think I have PPD. Lucky doesn't think I do, because when I'm around other people, I'm smiling and laughing. He doesn't understand that half the time its forced, and the other half the time, I'm only happy because I'm out of my damn house! I find myself crying for no good reason. People keep asking me if I am pregnant because I get so emotional. That makes me even more sad. I want to have another baby so bad, but I'm really scared. I don't want another c/s. My only real choice is homebirth, and I can't do that in this nasty little apartment. I want a house that I can be comfortable in. I want a supportive husband. I want someone to guarantee me that I won't have to be cut open again! Knowing that this isn't possible, I know that before I can get pregnant again, I have to come to terms with my c/s's. I cry as I type this. There is only one person that I've really talked to about this (you know who you are, and I love you for it!). She's the only one who really seems to understand, even just a little. Its hard. Most of my family is mainstream. Not 'anti-natural', but just not into it. They don't understand. My mom had a c/s, my aunt had one, they were both fine with it. I am not! They never had PPD because of it. I've even had people say, "Well, at least you didn't have to feel the pain of childbirth". What kind of shit is that? I also didn't get to feel the joy of pushing my child out, and gently bringing them into the world. No, all 3 of my kids were ripped out of my abdomen!
Ok...the screen is blurring too much now, I need to stop this.
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2 comments:
this post made me cry. ::hug:: I can never know (well at least I hope I don't know) the pain of multiple c's but i know how much one sucks. Not having people who understand how sucky it is makes it all the more sucky. I think getting some therapy is a great thing. Have you checked out the baby blues connection? Hedy knows about it. I dont' think they are licensed therapists, but they do know about PPD. ::hug:: I'm here if you ever need to chat.
Oh mama....
Your post is so filled with sadness and obvious overwhelm. You are such a sweet person that I hate to hear about your lack of support. There must be some PPD groups out your way??? I am sure that you and Loki would have good time, chatting with other mama's and getting some input and compassion.
Also, I can only imagine how overwhelming Alexia's school situation must be. I saw the 24 glue stick post on MDC and assumed you were kidding. That's really outrageous. How are people supposed to afford that??????? and plus it's bizarre. xoxo Jessica
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