Tip of the day...

Don't fry eggs without a shirt on. Because this doesn't feel good!!!!



These pics were taken 3 days after the incident. I learned my lesson. LOL

just because

blurry but cute

I finally did it..

I got my first real haircut in over 4 years. It feels so much lighter. Maybe my headaches will not come as often now.
Let's see if I can get this to work...

This is how long it was before

And this was right after I got it cut

I've also decided to dye it, so I'll try to get some pics after that. :)

Better...

Things are better. Lucky got paid and we have food. :) It's nice to have a choice of things to eat...lol (as I sit here eating graham crackers).

Today was Alexia first day of school. She was so happy. All the parents were asked to join the kids in the classroom to do quick introductions. When it was time to leave, I got a half hug and she was back to coloring. She did tell me when I picked her up that she was a little bored with coloring, and she wished that the teacher would let her read, but all in all, she had fun.

AP and Bad Mommy

It seems like lately all my blog posts are nothing but my complaining...well, here's another one.

I have removed part of this post. Please accept my apologies, but there were some things that were stated out of anger that I have removed. I also removed some comments that were referring to this part of the post. No offense meant to the ones who commented, please don't take it that way.

It broke my heart today that I hurt my little man. Lucian stuck something up his nose, so I had to get it out. The whole time he was crying. I hate knowing that I caused him to cry. It wasn't so much that I actually HURT him, but he didn't like having his hands restrained so that I could get to his nose. When it was all over, we just hugged and cried for a long time. I think I really needed that cry.

On a (sort of) different topic, I am also a bad wife. I hate cleaning, but nobody else will do it. Apparently because I'm home all day, the house should be immaculate at all times. I can't. I just can't. I try, but it seems like no matter what I do, its not enough. I've even thought of asking for help, but its gotten to the point that I would be ashamed for anyone to see my house. I need help, but I'm not sure what kind.
Again feeling like a horrible mom today, because my kids had to have oatmeal for dinner. I hate having to try to answer a 5 year old who's asking, "Mommy, why don't you eat? Aren't you hungry?" when the answer is yes, I'm hungry, but if I eat, there won't be enough for you. Growing up, I never thought I would be THAT mom. I wasn't going to be the one that had to invent things to eat out of the 3 ingredients in the house. I wasn't going to give my kids cold cereal for 3 meals in one day. I wasn't going to be her...but I am, and it kills me. Sometimes I think that my kids would be better off living with someone else, but I wouldn't be able to live knowing that they weren't with me.


I need a hug.

Test Results

I picked up my copy of Alexia's test results yesterday. Apparently the only reason that she was not placed into the first grade is because she was "wiggly, distractable and very talkative." What kind of a reason is that?? Her academic skills were extremely high. Her percentile rank was >99.9
It said that she is reading at a 2.8 grade level. Her adaptive behavior skills are that of a 7 year 7 month old (except her socializations skills which are that of a 10 year old).
I understand that its probably better for her socially to be in Kindergarten, but she is going to be SO bored when it comes to actually learning things. There was even a note at the bottom of the test results:
"If Alexia is placed in kindergarten rather than first grade, she will need to be carefully placed in math and reading groups appropriate for her skill level."
So instead of being the smart kid in first grade, she gets to be the SUPER smart kid in kindergarten. Ugh. I went through this when I was a kid, but I did get to go to first instead of K. Even with the skipped grade, I was still in the talented and gifted program, and in advanced classes. I was bored all the way through school. I was 'removed' from a class my senior year because I told my teacher she was wrong....and then I proved it. I wasn't challenged at all. School held me back. I don't want Alexia to feel the same way. I am going to do some real research into finding a private school for her. I would love to homeschool her, but I don't have the patience to do it. At least I can admit that, and not lose patience with her for something that isn't her fault.
Why does public school suck so hard?

Finally...

I got a call from the principal today. Alexia is going to be starting in Kindergarten. Her test scores needed to be in the 97th percentile, and hers weren't consistent. She had some scores that were "Exceptionally Superior" and others that were just "High Average". At least now I know.

Self-pity post...

I went in to Alexia's school today. Apparently they have a new principal. So all the conversations that I had with last year's principal mean nothing now. Nobody in the office new anything about the test results, but I met with the new principal and she said she'd call the district office and ask them. So again, I have to wait. I don't know if she's going into K or 1st, so I don't know when she starts. 1st-6th start on the 7th, K starts on the 10th. K also has alternating days, so if she is in K, I don't even know if she'll go MWF or TTF. ARGH!!! Don't even get me started on school supplies! What kind of school needs each kid to bring 24 glue sticks?!?!

I think I need to see a therapist or something. I think I have PPD. Lucky doesn't think I do, because when I'm around other people, I'm smiling and laughing. He doesn't understand that half the time its forced, and the other half the time, I'm only happy because I'm out of my damn house! I find myself crying for no good reason. People keep asking me if I am pregnant because I get so emotional. That makes me even more sad. I want to have another baby so bad, but I'm really scared. I don't want another c/s. My only real choice is homebirth, and I can't do that in this nasty little apartment. I want a house that I can be comfortable in. I want a supportive husband. I want someone to guarantee me that I won't have to be cut open again! Knowing that this isn't possible, I know that before I can get pregnant again, I have to come to terms with my c/s's. I cry as I type this. There is only one person that I've really talked to about this (you know who you are, and I love you for it!). She's the only one who really seems to understand, even just a little. Its hard. Most of my family is mainstream. Not 'anti-natural', but just not into it. They don't understand. My mom had a c/s, my aunt had one, they were both fine with it. I am not! They never had PPD because of it. I've even had people say, "Well, at least you didn't have to feel the pain of childbirth". What kind of shit is that? I also didn't get to feel the joy of pushing my child out, and gently bringing them into the world. No, all 3 of my kids were ripped out of my abdomen!

Ok...the screen is blurring too much now, I need to stop this.

Nothing new...

I seriously need to update this more often. Maybe if something exciting ever happened, then I would have something to write about.
Lately its just been more of the same. Lucky and I are fighting as always. The kids are...kids. I think Loki got a tooth though. He bit me and drew blood. Ouch! I can't really see much, but I'm pretty sure I feel something in there.
I get to "get away" tomorrow. My mom is taking Alexia, Loki and me to go school shopping for Alexia. I can't believe my little girl is starting school!! I still don't know if they're putting her in K or 1st. I was told that the principal would call me after he looked over the test results. I haven't heard anything yet, so I'll probably be calling next week. Maybe I'll update more then...

Just a quick update

We had Loki weighed and stuff today. He's still in the 10th percentile for length and weight. He's now an even 12 lbs, and he's 23.5 inches long. He's growing well, but seems destined to be small. That's fine with me though. It means I can wear him longer ;)

Yesterday's fun and today's glum

Loki and I went to the fountain yesterday and met up with some mama friends and little ones. It was so much fun!! It's been awhile since I've gotten to go out and 'do stuff'. It was really nice.

Today however, was not so great. Lucky finally admitted to me (after I asked him) that he thinks that I 'gave up' on my VBA2C when I had my CBAC with Loki. When I asked him why he didn't say anything sooner, he said that it was because it didn't bother him, he's used to me not following through on things. It hurt, a lot.

The one nobody cares about

We lost our internet connection for 2 weeks, then when I came back, one of my friends said, "Oh, I didn't even realize that you were gone". Its been happening more and more lately. People forget about me or just ignore me. I try not to let it bother me, but I can't help it anymore. I haven't been posting or emailing much in my usual haunts and nobody misses me, so maybe its for the best. Lol...maybe they're just happy that I'm not whining there.


My 4th anniversary came and went on Monday. We don't have any money, so I wasn't expecting a gift or anything. We decided to postpone our anniversary until the 21st. I had a little cash set aside and surprised Lucky with tickets to the Hot Portland Nights show. So we're going to celebrate then.


Loki is looking so much older. He has such personality!! Its time for us to go lay down, so I'll end this for now.

Some sad news...

We lost a family member late Tuesday night. Our dear Fuzzle is gone. He'd been sick for awhile and we figured he was dying, but I guess it just happened sooner than we'd expected. He was an important member of our family and he will be dearly missed.

On a different note, my stupid internet has been down for a week now. I am visiting my mom today and she let me get online here at her house. I'm going through withdrawls!!!

The rest of the fam is doing well, and hopefully we will be back online soon!!

Ok, I guess I was wrong. I didn't get to take pictures of anyone this weekend. My Palm died because I left it in the van. That's ok though. We didn't do anything this weekend. I thought we would do SOMETHING, but Lucky decided that we needed to go to Fred Meyer...and that was it. We seriously went nowhere else this weekend. I need to get out of here!!!
I got some fenugreek seeds today. I had a hell of a time grinding them in the mortar and pestle though. I guess I didn't know they were so hard.
Loki has been screaming bloody murder today. :( I don't know what's wrong. He seems totally fine, chewing on his hand, then all of a sudden he sounds like he's in horrible pain. I don't think its gas, but I can't figure out what it is. He just buries his face in my chest and screams. Nursing seems to help a little, but only because he calms down then. I wish I knew what was wrong. He's making me cry too. :..(
Well, I have a migraine from hell today, so I think I'm going to attempt to lay down.

Ok, I took a couple of pics of Loki tonight, but this is the only one that turned out ok. I'll take some pics of the other 2 kids this weekend probably. Maybe Lucky will even let me take some of him *gasp*

My blog...

I finally decided to make one. I've been saying that I was going to for awhile. Well, here goes. Let's just see if I can remember to post on it.